The Call of the New-World Umpire: Amp-Up!

 

With all the kerfuffle regarding performance enhancing drugs in professional sports- better known as “juicing,” many Americans are very disappointed and frustrated with their once “athletic heroes.” We are beginning to feel duped by our hero-athletes. We find ourselves wondering if these people could have possibly broken the records they took credit for had they not been using the performance enhancing drugs.

To make matters worse, the athletes who have been found guilty of such sportsman violations are having a very difficult time in accepting responsibility for their own actions. Such is the case of Lance Armstrong where an MSN Money article regarding the doping allegations states “In his efforts to ride down the lawsuit, Armstrong alleges that the Postal Service should have known he was taking performance-enhancing drugs, thanks to media coverage of the doping allegations, The Journal notes. The filing claims that USPS officials "did nothing." Well in Armstrong’s defense, I contend that the USPS should have also known of his doping because he likely ordered the drugs over the Internet and had them shipped to his home via the USPS- I mean the letter carrier should have been able to CLEARLY see that the package came from Sports Doping Authority Inc. (something like that anyway) it shoulda’ been a dead giveaway!

I propose that since it is apparent that doping has nearly become commonplace in the sports arena, I would suggest that the industry actually EMBRACE what medication and science can do with human potential and performance. Let’s go ALL IN and encourage doping of all kinds in all sports arenas- let’s see what the human body is capable of doing. “Amp-Up!” should be the call of the new-world umpire.

Athletes such as Alex Rodriguez who are making contracts of over $100 million dollars (which is an obscene thought for what he ACTUALLY does- hitting a tiny ball in a grassy playground) are becoming very commonplace. I would love to see what a bunch of “’roid-raged” athletes can achieve. It may turn the baseball stadium into a modern version of Roman gladiators- I’d pay the price of admission to see that vs. the snoozer that baseball currently is. The same should apply to all sports- just imagine the PGA on steroids, Wimbledon on steroids- that would be AWESOME!! If athletes happen to die in pursuit of their sport (better known as blood-sport at this point) well, that’s just a hazard of the profession now.  

So Lance, man-up, grab your balls- er I mean BALL, hit up your bud A-Rod, have the USPS drop-off a jumbo pack of “’Roids” and revamp the sports industry into the raged-out blood sport that we all want anyway.